passaporta please

What i'll miss

2006-08-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

i want to know this Love without a doubt
i want to know this Love will find me out
i want to know that the wrong will be made right

Peacemaking in Embryonic Stem Cell Research

2006-07-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

Germany is pushing for an EU ban on European funding for embryonic stem cell research. Yesterday George Bush vetoed a bill in the US to expand such research.

Meanwhile, California is already gearing up for continuing this important area of research. With the passage Prop 71, 3 billion dollars will be invested in stem cell reasearch via universities and research institutions. Stanford University will be one of the leading universities in this area.

Professor Hurlbut was one of my professors at school, he is a bioethicist opposed to stem cell research, however, he proposes a solution--
Altered Nuclear Transfer as a morally acceptable means for the procurement of human embryonic stem cells.

You can read his proposal here--
http://www.bioethics.gov/background/hurlbut.html

Stem Cell Research has enormous potential for saving lives, and the science is going to go on regardless of whether or not we fund it publically. We might as well work toward finding solutions instead of sticking to a blanket moral stand that blocks out any possibilities.

Catalina Island

2006-07-18T08:53:00.000-07:00

"Ice-blocking" is racing down a grassy slope on a golf course at 11pm at night, seated on a one foot cube of ice. The rides usually didn't go so smoothly, i usually fell off the ice when Nat or Cassie gave me a push down the hill, but it was soooo fun.

So was the snorkeling. And hiking. And kayaking. And clubbing. And thanks to Jameson, i now have 26 new Sufjan Stevens songs!

Descanso Beach, where Zach bought us a jug =) of the best virgin pina coladas i have ever tasted!

Example of "Kitsch"

2006-07-01T11:11:00.000-07:00

2006-06-30T21:39:00.000-07:00

i had forgotten how people drive in SoCal. Insanely. Every day now, i rage at the road. Many times in the past week, i've come so close to sticking up the middle finger at rude drivers, i think i'll try it some time. i suspect it will give me immense satisfaction.

For example, on the freeway coming home, i watched a motorcyclist zoom through bumper-to-bumper traffic as he did a HAND-STAND on his seat. It's OK if he wants to risk his life, but please go splatter your brains somewhere where i can't see them, i wanted to tell him. Don't make a mess in front of me.

Apart from the driving, i do love it here. i already have a bathing suit tan line around my neck, and my skin is peeling.

Today i begrudgingly unpacked my boxes: i sort them into two categories: stuff that stays in the garage and stuff that goes with me across the country. At the end of the summer i'm moving again!

This will be the 12th time i've relocated in the past 5 years. i've lived in 6 different "homes" (if you count dorms), spent my summers living in tent-cabins when i was a camp counselor at Camp Del Oro. i've lived in Mexico, Canada, travelled around Europe....and at the end of the summer i'm moving to the middle of a forest (Ohio). ;)

Sometimes my travelling makes me sad. After my flight back from Ohio last month, as i waited at the airport carousel for my luggage, i looked at all the people hugging their families/significant others, and realized-- i don't really have a *home.* i have not sunk my roots deeply anywhere... and this thought made me a bit sad.

But i am a free spirit! Just now starting to reconize that about myself, and appreciate it....So although at times i covet the safety and security of a home where everybody knows me and grows old together, i know that i would always be restless staying in one place.

To quote Derek Webb, Life is better off a mystery/ So keep 'em coming these lines on the road!!!! New experiences and meeting new people and learning their stories--- i want to know everything!

It's not just that "i love to travel"; i am a sojourner

OK, cheesy i know... but true.

Sam Graduates!

2006-06-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

The journey home

2006-06-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

The island is ready

2006-06-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

Jameson wrote to me last week--

So, when are you coming home? The island is ready. It is summer and the sun is out.

Oh beach, i'm coming soooooooon. i cannot wait to lay out in the sand and soak up the sun! This time next week i will be looking at ocean waves!

i've been in the office for too long.

First grade teachers

2006-06-10T16:31:00.000-07:00

Leenette, me, Melissa and Nathan

"tell elise i love her"

2006-06-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

Becky emailed me today with news from her trip to Israel She arrived home yesterday!

Her brother Dan took these shots of the Dead Sea at sunrise.They are so beautiful i really wanted you guys to see them... i really hope to see this with my own eyes one day...

She also sent me this picture, she thought the guy just seemed to say "tell elise i love her"

Given my history, it made me smile.

A's Game...

2006-06-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

The warmth of endings

2006-06-05T12:36:00.000-07:00

I know how to beat the rage,
of my tender age.
Touch me once in the hall--
but don't look back and don't call

There are some things I can hardly say

Nowadays when we go out to dinner, we bring our digital cameras too.

Writing poetry has been easier lately.

The masculinity of the German language-- does any one else find it attractive?

This is the table and 4 chairs we are selling, CHEAP!

Chai-Flavored Tofu

2006-05-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

Want to make some tofu? It's easy. Buy a soy chai-latte from Starbucks; find the nearest car cup-holder and put your cup inside; let cup sit for 2-3 days. Preferrably while car is parked in the sun. hahaha

Well i don't have much to say, just wanted to say hello. Things are SO busy!!!!

while we seek mirth and beauty
and music light and gay
there are frail ones fainting at the door
though their voices are silent
their pleading looks will say
oh, hard times come again no more
--eastmountainsouth

Ohio

2006-05-22T19:09:00.000-07:00

Nat, Me, Julie and Steph-- my cousins!

This is Stephy, she loves to sing.
She also enjoys biting the heads off of gummi bears and switching them around on the decapitated bodies.
"Now whip it - into shape
Shape it up, get straight
Go forward, move ahead
Try to detect it - it's not too late
To whip it, whip it good"

Green, wide open spaces and trees in Ohio. This is my uncle's back yard.

Nat and me
Love you Natty

Well bless your soul

2006-05-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

My heart is full. An incredible past few weeks.

On the plane Friday i hope to sort through all that has happened and all the the lovely Truth spoken over my life of late.

Just wanted to say about my last post-- it's not meant to be a final conclusion; it's a bit of my thought process, working through some issues. When i write i always try to go somewhere with my writing, to arrive at a conclusion-- or usually, another question. So-- i worried when i posted it that it might not be the most enocouraging example-- although in one way it is because honesty about our questions is part of this faith, and it's cool that God welcomes our questions and invites us to think.... how Jesus put his hands, palm-up in Thomas' hands

Also one last thing,
i wanted to give you this song that i love-- Crazy by Gnarls Barkley

This phase in life he speaks about, after having the time of your life when you think you are in control and can save the world-- the point afterwards is the most exciting because by then you've lost your mind, and by then things can actually start to happen.

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice
That's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me/you

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember Is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Don't Waste Your Cancer

2006-05-15T09:14:00.000-07:00

There is a fatalistic strain in Christianity that bothers me at times. It comes up as a preoccupation with trusting God's purpose for every circumstance.

For example, i got a devotional from John Piper's Desiring God Ministries the other day, which read:
1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.

At YAF on Wednesday we studied Romans 8, the promise that All things work together for good. This promise is more difficult to champion, when i have a friend who is facing cancer.

i know that my theology in some ways is a reaction to what i do not want my theology to be rather than a positive belief system about who Jesus is. i want to be counted among the Martin Luther King's and not the establishment that told him to stop rocking the boat.
That being said--
i don't want the theology that tells people to be content with their station to be mine.

Always hear "how things are meant to be," but we contrast that idea with "how things are." Which does God really want?! We easily switch back and forth as it proves our point. Men and women are different; it's how God designed us. Men and Women are meant to communicate more easily than they do; problems arise from sin and inherited faulty design.

Reading Brothers Karamazov the other night, my heart resounds with what Ivan describes-- which is a little scary since he is quite the rebellious character.

"And now imagine that in the final outcome I do not accept this world of God's, I do not admit it at all, though I know it exists. It's not God that i do not accept, you understand, it is this world of God's created by God, that I do not accept and cannot agree to accept. With one reservation: I have a childlike conviction that the sufferings will be healed and smoothed over, that the whole offensive comedy of human contradiction will disappear like a pitiful mirage, a vile concoction of man's Euclidean mind, feeble and puny as an atom, and that ultiamtely, at the world's finale, in the moment of eternal harmony, there will occur and be revealed something so precious that it will suffice for all hearts, to allay all indignation, to redeem all human villainy, all bloodshed; it will suffice not only to make fogiveness possible, but also to justify everything that has happened with men-- let this, let all of this come true and be revealed, but I do not accept I and do not want to accept it!"

2006-05-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

God, what do you want from me?

I want you to know me.

I want you to know who I AM.

I want you to be know the depths of my heart.

I want you to know my beauty.

I want you to be satisfied in me alone.

elise, He whispers softly, I want your heart

... your heart ...
... your heart ...
... your heart ...

I want those parts you continue to withhold from me

Oh great, I think I'm going to start crying.

I want come in and make my dwelling in you

You Betta Recognize

2006-05-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

Hey there everyone!

Last night Charina, Rose and i celebrated at La Fondue! It was Rose's and my first time visiting the restaurant, but Charina's been there many times, so she helped us to order. There are 4 kinds of chocolat to choose from: white, bittersweet, milk or decadent; then you choose a flavoring to add to the chocolate. We picked "Godiva". The chocolate comes in a big bowl which is warmed up on the mini-stove at the table in front of you.

We shared memories about the past year and our college years (we're so old!)
as we dipped strawberries, bananas and pineapple into a big bowl of steaming, melted chocolate.

Charina was impressed because we ate all the chocolate in the bowl, which has never happened when she's gone before. haha

What were we celebrating?--

1. i ended work at Starbucks on Monday.
WA- freakin'- HOO!!!!
No more mopping floors. It's sad that i will never see those lovely people again, though.

2. Charina's decision about grad school.

3. Rose's promotion to full-time work at Theranos.

In a way, we were looking back and saying good-bye, looking forward to what's ahead, all at the same time... my college years are over. (for now) This is where i stopped being a child, and now i am leaving.

Over the past weeks, whenever i encounter something i love in this place, i stop and take a moment to say good-bye to it, and press it into my memory so it stays longer.

Haha-- i feel like i should say something profound now, but i only know a sweet sadness...

Amita stopped by to say good-bye yesterday; she held the final copy of her dissertation in her hand; she was on her way to shelf it in the Stanford library where it will wait for some younger person to find.

"The only permanent thing in life is change", she told me. It's only now that i'm learning to embrace the truth of that statement.

Kermit has a message for you too--

i'm headed up to the City tonight, i'll be back with some pictures!!!

"You look happy"

2006-05-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

J was always really good at reading me. Sometimes his insight was frightening, sometimes annoyed me, but usually: i loved to know that he knew. To be known is a precious thing. :)

All this to say: here's a list of stuff that made me want to cry over the past week or so. Not meant to be depressing. Wanting to cry and being depressed can be very unrelated, separate things.
i love wanting to cry. It means something has reached deep deep, down down to the heart.

1. We hired a new partner at work. She is older, married (Not elderly haha). She wears cotton pants that have an elastic so they hold to her rotund waist. Today she told me, "This is the hardest job i have ever had."

When someone orders more than one of the same thing, four croissants for example, she punches the "croissant" button four times instead of "Quantity 4"

She coughs so hard all throughout her shifts. She has to stop, turn around and cough for a while until she can breath again, and then turns back to the register to help a customer.

2. Every morning around 9:00AM, a realtor comes in to buy a Non-fat no whip mocha. He usually is talking on his cell phone when he gets in line and makes his order. We know his drink so we don't even have to make conversation to complete the transaction.

He buys his drink and let's it sit at the bar. Then he paces back and forth in the lobby. i've seen him go into the bathroom twice within five minutes, while he waited for his drink.

Anyway, this morning he stayed at my register long enough for me to see his hands as he pulled out his credit card from his wallet.
His fingers are dry and cracked on the sides where the knuckles are, and red. His stress manifests itself on his body.
i wanted to reach down take up his hands and kiss his fingers, feel their roughness with my lips... not kidding.

Look closely between them...

2006-04-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

2006-04-25T11:20:00.000-07:00

Mr. Darcy: "What do you recommend to encourage affection?"
Ms. Elizabeth: "Dancing, even if one's partner is barely tolerable."

In response to comments about my reference to a 50-something year old man as "elderly", i want to say: any age 22 or older, is old. That's why i don't date guys who are younger than me, they'd be 20 or 21 and that's just too youthful compared to my age. i've even heard a guy comment that past the ripe age of 25, prospects for marriage bleaken.

So there you have it. No dance partners for those of you with arthritis.

Stanford's ASSU Speakers Bureau invited another excellent speaker to campus last night: Dr. Mustafa Barghouti. He is a medical doctor, educated at Stanford, who ran for president in the recent Palestinian presidential election. He is an active participant in the building of a democratic Palestinian civil society and is one of the most prominent leaders of the Palestinian struggle.

His proximity to to the situation combined with his good education caused me to listen carefully.

His introduction to the Palestinian struggle was upliftingly hopeful-- Palestine is a functioning democracy, as shown by the recent elections and widespread technology that gives access to information. (cell phones, internet satellite TV, free press)

While he never endorsed Hamas, Dr. Barghouti made a convincing argument that the recent vote for Hamas into power was not so much a vote for terrorist leadership as much as a vote against the current deteriorating economic and social conditions. The Fatah government promised peace and never delivered, so the people voted for what seemed the best possibility for change.

His recommendation then, was that the United States should not punish Palestinians for exercising democracy, but instead help them make better choices in the future.

Of course, how this looks like diplomatically, given that Hamas is a terrorist organization-- a question posed by a student in the audience-- is definitely an issue to consider...

More info about the Paletinian National Initiative: http://www.almubadara.org/en/

In other news, at Allister's on Sunday i was offered a piece of candy from his decade-old stash of candy. The gummi-bears turned had hardened like rocks and clinked against his teeth.

Sur le pont d'Avignon

2006-04-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

L'on y danse, l'on y danse,
Sur le pont d'Avignon
L'on y danse tout en rond.

Mom and i visited the de Young on Friday!
We made fun of people who took the visual art too seriously. We sang "Sur le pont d'Avignon" as we toured the sculpture garden, arm in arm, the funny twisted trees of Golden Gate Park, a backdrop behind us.
The art that interested me most on this visit was a painting by Elmer Bischoff, The Yellow Lampshade. i am still trying to figure out what is happening between them.

For craft this morning i had the kiddies make cards for sick children in the Lucille Packard Hospital.
One little guy asked me, "Do you know what happens when you get sick?" He was swiping a brown marker on the page. "Sometimes you die,"
Then he flipped over his card and pointed there. "That's why i drew this," he said.
He had drawn a thick brown cross on the front page.
i am not sure why, but i started to cry.

"I'm scared of grammar"

2006-04-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

i know people say this often, but really English is an odd language.

"On the weekends i sleep in late"-- the sentence conjures up an image of a man lying atop calendar squares marked "Saturday" and "Sunday".

i usually stop by the deli down here in the basement to visit with the lady who manages the shop. i help her complete her English Language homework, and she helps me practice my Spanish.

Explaining verb tense usage to her has made me realize how little i understand about the reasons for why i say what i say, when i say it; i feel like i've stopped acquiring new knowledge about my language....i worry that my sentence construction is the result of falling back on ingrained language patterns formed years ago. i hope not... i am going to try being a little more creative in the everyday. Pick a new construction and use it every day.

Today i'll practice the phrase "under the impression".

i was under the impression that she called me crazy.

Becky took that picture while hanging out where i work. i like it because it distinguishes the geometry of a coffee cup. :)

An elderly man comes in to our coffee shop every morning with a mug from home; he usually orders a bear claw to go with his house drip. Yesterday he came in late and i looked at him and said "Good to see you today!"

"I'm late, i know," he said, "My mother wouldn't let me leave the house the house."

Ok this guy is like probably almost 60--. He wears sandals though, and carries a leather satchel. He gave me a wary smile which made me wonder if he was being serious?

Today the same guy walks in and i smile and greet him, "Hello! Glad to see your mother let you of the house today."

My greeting made my co-workers chuckle but i noticed that he wasn't smiling.

No words today

2006-04-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

What kind of music do you listen to?

2006-03-30T22:54:00.000-08:00

--- has got to be one of top three questions a guy will ask a girl when he's trying get to know her.

Another word of wisdom--
using James Blunt to say "You're Beautiful" is just as sad as singing about not knowing what to do about a girl you made eye contct with on a subway.

And that's all i have to say.

Glorious coffee-drinkers

2006-03-30T11:40:00.000-08:00

Some thoughts before heading to work--

Such a lovely variety of different people cross my path every single day. For sure serving coffee is not what i will do for the rest of my life, but for now, it fills my time with a mission to look forward to.

Connecting with people is immensely interesting, new every day, and fulfilling. My job description says: discover something about each customer. Even getting to know what kind of drink a person will usually order intrigues me. (i wonder if drink orders are somehow related to personality type? hehe)

Gratefulness flooded over me yesterday, after a conversation with a lesbian high school drop out, who earned her MFA in Creative Writing while teaching high schoolers for 10 years, and is now at getting her PhD in Education from Stanford.

What a privilege to know these life stories.

Made me think upon a quote from The Weight of Glory--

"It is a serious thing," says Lewis, "to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations."

A little boy came up to the register with his father, playing on a GameBoy while his father procured the drink order from him: "What do you want?"
i watched the two of them sitting together. The father drinking his chai latte, turned toward his son but gazing out the window at the rain, the boy absorbed in his video game.
A few minutes later the dad came up to me carrying an empty cup and said (rather sheepishly), "My son decided he wanted a bigger hot chocolate. He finished this one and wants more."

Oh Lewis how right you are--!

"There are no 'ordinary' people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilisations -- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whome we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit -- immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously -- no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner -- no mere tolerance or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment."

--C. S. Lewis, From The Weight of Glory.

Put the f*cking mic on!

2006-03-28T11:30:00.000-08:00

i quote Ja-Rule in the intro to What's Luv. Hollaaaaa, im a balla, shock- caller.... hahaha
Kidding, i'm only joking.

For the first time in my life, (ok maybe the second... maybe the third) i cussed aloud and meant what i said. At the end of a very long work day, closing up the store last night, i mopped the lobby floor with a broken mop. The cloth rag dropped out of a rusted clip which dangled from the end of an old wooden stick. Liza and i laughed for a good five minutes over the fact that a multi-million dollar corporation could not afford a proper mop-- but i mopped on, i mopped on.

Heading to the bathroom, the stinky bathroom, i decided to make extra effort to securely fasten the mop to its stick so that while i cleaned the bathroom floor i wouldn't have to touch anything that had been wiping the floor.

Having secured the rusty clipper, with surety i opened the bathroom door and after ONE swipe,
pop went the mop.
Out out you spot,
oh mop you made me stop,
right at that spot
i paused and said,
FUCK!

i don't know why im writing all this now, only that i realized the word was very fitting for that exact moment and i am not usually good at expressing my thoughts, even worse with words, but without thinking i cussed and i experienced the feeling of having communicated clearly what was in me. Cussing can be productive i guess.

Hmmmm

Maybe i am a balla. hehe

What's luv got to do with it, baby?
What luv got to do, got to do,
it should be about us, it should be about trusting

There are many reasons to love Sufjan Stevens...

2006-03-26T19:51:00.000-08:00

This post is for you Kaki.
And also for Allister who predicted rightly (yet again).

My lab at the Stanford School of Ed recently published a study in Child Development. If you want you can read about it here, it's pretty interesting stuff.
Basically they found reading and social skills are connected. Poor readers are more likely to show aggressive behavior later on. The data they used is what i work on, which is kinda cool. Anyway, i thought book-lovers might appreciate the findings. :)

This is the very data that is driving me nuts tonight-- tomorrow my boss will meet with my boss's boss (the dean of whole school) to discuss the reliability of the data. The reliability yet to be calculated. i am starting the 16th hour of labor for this single statistical test. Forty surveys with 55+ questions each to go, and it's 8pm!!! Truly, all this work left to be done is not the result of procrastination. My boss had unrealistic expectations for what could be accomplished within one week and at the moment i feel like one of those people i always said i'd never become, complaining about a boss who is being unreasonable.

What makes things bearable-- as i work, i listen to Sufjan Stevens', "Casimir Pulaski Day".

A writer for Paste magazine, the brother of a dear friend of mine, wrote the following article about the song, and even though it's a long bit of writing, i really encourage you to take a look, it's a precious piece of writing--

Casimir Pulaski Day
....

Golden rod and the 4-H stone
The things I brought you
When I found out you had cancer of the bone

Your father cried on the telephone
And he drove his car to the Navy yard
Just to prove that he was sorry

In the morning through the window shade
When the light pressed up against your shoulder blade
I could see what you were reading

Oh the glory that the Lord has made
And the complications you could do without
When I kissed you on the mouth

Tuesday night at the bible study
We lift our hands and pray over your body
But nothing ever happens

I remember at Michael's house
In the living room when you kissed my neck
And I almost touched your blouse

In the morning at the top of the stairs
When your father found out what we did that night
And you told me you were scared

Oh the glory when you ran outside
With your shirt tucked in and your shoes untied
And you told me not to follow you

Sunday night when I cleaned the house
I find the card where you wrote it out
With the pictures of your mother

On the floor at the great divide
With my shirt tucked in and my shoes untied
I am crying in the bathroom

In the morning when you finally go
And the nurse runs in with her head hung low
And the cardinal hits the window

In the morning in the winter shade
On the first of March on the holiday
I thought I saw you breathing

Oh the glory that the Lord has made
And the complications when I see his face
In the morning in the window

Oh the glory when he took our place
But he took my shoulders and he shook my face
And he takes and he takes and he takes
-- Sufjan Stevens, “Casimir Pulaski Day”

As a young Christian in college, a friend handed me a stack of books written by the Reformed theologian Francis Schaeffer and assured me that they would provide a better intellectual foundation for my faith than anything else. And to some extent he was right. But in one of those books Schaeffer took on the Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard, who wrote about “the leap of faith.” Schaeffer, following Descartes, went to great lengths to emphasize the rational nature of the Christian faith, to assert emphatically that it makes sense, that it holds together in the light of the most rigorous intellectual questioning. And he took Kierkegaard to task for the seemingly irrational response of “the leap of faith.”

I never bought Schaeffer’s argument, and here is why: he never knew Sarah Scott.

Sarah Scott was four years old when she died. She was the daughter of my friends Paul and Shirley Scott. She was a “surprise” baby; one of those kids born when her parents were close to 40. And her conception was only the first surprise. Upon her birth, Sarah showed all the evidence of having Down’s Syndrome, which was confirmed within hours of her birth.

There were many other surprises along the way. I watched my friends closely, watched their initial shock and dismay turn to unconditional love, watched what initially seemed to be a great burden turn to many moments of joy and deep pleasure. And it wasn’t hard to understand why. Sarah herself loved unconditionally. In a world where everyone else’s efforts seemed halting and stumbling, Sarah simply loved everyone she encountered, in the most natural and unforced way imaginable. She had a big smile and a hug for everyone she met. I believe I learned more about love from her in her short life than anyone I’ve encountered.

Then one normal, mundane Monday afternoon her mom put her down for a nap. She woke up, somehow got her head caught in between the bars of her crib, and in her efforts to extricate herself, strangled to death.

I heard the news and reacted the way countless others have reacted through the millennia. You’ve probably experienced it. The air is sucked out of your lungs. You feel like you’ve been sucker punched, and that you may never breathe again. There is a hole in your soul, and all the finest sentiments in the world cannot address it, because you cannot replace what cannot be replaced. And I found that death wasn’t abstract at all. It was very, very personal. A little girl named Sarah was gone, and the million things that made her special, that made her unique, were gone with her, and the hundreds of well-meaning friends did not and could not help at all, for the simple reason that they were Not Sarah. I felt that, and despaired. I truly cannot fathom what her parents must have felt.

At her funeral members of my church said the kinds of pious platitudes that only made things worse. “She’s in a better place now,” they told Paul and Shirley, who were overcome with grief. “God wanted her to bring joy to the angels.” I bit my tongue and sat on my hands, for fear that I would use them to punch some well-intentioned, clueless brother or sister. I didn’t say anything. There was nothing I could say, and there was nothing I could do to stop from crying, crying that just seemed to go on and on, without respite.

In these times the idea of a loving God seems like a cruel illusion, and I frankly wondered if Schaeffer had ever experienced the death of someone close to him. Because in those situations, Christianity is anything but rational. It is the difference between the logical C.S. Lewis of The Problem of Pain, with its nice, neat arguments, and the undone C.S. Lewis of A Grief Observed, a great, aching mess of a book, the story of a mere thinking, feeling man, not a theologian, dealing with his wife’s protracted and painful death from cancer.

For what it’s worth, I am a firm proponent of the leap of faith. And make no mistake. It is a leap across a great chasm. Sometimes it seems a lot like pedaling your bicycle as fast as you can to the edge of the Grand Canyon, and flying off, and believing that you’re going to sail all way to the other side, defying gravity. It seems to me that there are only two options if one is intellectually honest (hi, Mr. Schaeffer). One can believe that senselessness has the last word, that people simply die – brutally, inexplicably, without meaning or purpose – and that is all there is. Or one can believe that the senselessness will one day make sense, that we really do live in the shadowlands, that real life is yet to come, that every tear will be wiped away, that there will be no more death or mourning. I believe the latter. I hold on to that truth. But surely the author of the Book of Hebrews is right: faith is the evidence of things not seen. And I profoundly distrust anyone who tells me that the Christian faith makes total sense in this life. It does not. They either have not thought enough, or they haven’t lived enough, and time will bring them to that place of the silent scream that they have not yet experienced.

On Casimir Pulaski day I remember a great song, and a great loss, and the great hope that still some days doesn’t make sense.

Student Venture!

2006-03-08T17:32:00.000-08:00

Kristen and Eric are here!

Cyndy and i met with them last night for dinner, and it was so good to be together again. Kris still drinks Diet Coke. i've pretty much given it up. But other than our drinking habits, we're still all the same despite the long time that's passed.

They shared more about the ministry they will start with Campus Crusade in the summer, on high school campuses in Boulder, Colorado. One way to give support is by getting the word out about their mission-- check it out if you get a chance!

The summer internship is with Student Venture, an arm of Campus Crusade that reaches out to high schoolers. Kris and Eric are looking to raise financial and spiritual partners at this point.

Saturday mo-o-o-o-o-o-ORN-ings!

2006-03-04T11:35:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update-- since it's Saturday again. Somehow, our neighbors discovered that we use their wireless internet signal, so my computer cannot connect to the server.

Actually you know what? i was up at 4:15 AM this morning and i don't feel like saying anything else.

Elise, how about some breakfast?

Um, OK I'll have some chocolate.

Ok, but would you like some fruit with that???

Ok sure, I'll have fruit. Fruit-- covered in CHOCOLATE!!

Well, then, what about a glass of milk with that?

I don't want any chocolate milk. Just plain whole milk

Pictures

2006-02-25T09:52:00.000-08:00

Downtown Zurich, in front of the Lematt River.
Multi-colored downtown housing.
Venezia. It smells in that city.
Wine-tasting in Greve in Chianti.
Raclette... mmm
Zurich University, where Rahel goes to school.

i hate cold weather

2006-02-21T16:36:00.000-08:00

This picture was taken in Chicago, where we had an 11-hour layover on our way to Zurich. It was about -200 degrees F in Chicago at the time... Of course not, but it felt that way.

This picture was taken over the past weekend, on a trip to Half Moon Bay. YAY BEACHES!

What does Google think of YOU...

2006-02-10T11:06:00.000-08:00

Here's a sample of the ads Google put around an email i recently sent out... haha Sometimes, though, it's scary how accurate Google gets it. Once i used the ads to analyze a conversation i was having with my mom, via email.

Do Poems Make You Hot?

A fun personality test to see just how hot you really are!www.ruhotquiz.net

Are You Normal?

Our fun quiz will show you how normal you really are!www.chatterbean.com

Lifesong - Casting Crowns

Pick up your copy of Lifesong from Casting Crowns today - only $12.59www.parable.com

Yesterday i had lunch with Charina. We met at Baji's, a little diner in Mountain View. We both ordered the BLT. We talked and talked. I always come away from conversations with her, feeling encouraged.

She said something enlightening to me that i want to write here, because im sure others of you will find it useful. In talking about dreams for the future, and next steps for careers:
"It's not that can't do those things, it's just that you're not sure if you want to do them. You just have to figure out what you want"

Or something to that effect. :) The point is, desire is key.

Lots of Congratulations!

2006-02-07T13:37:00.000-08:00

Zach passed his phlebotomy licensing exam with 92%!

This means he can get a job drawing blood from people in a hospital, or a medical clinic. Wow, it is really amazing all that he has accomplished since recovering from aplastic anemia.

Now we have to watch out, because Zach's got a needle, and he knows how to use it...
hehe

In other great news--
last night Charina opened up a letter from Harvard University, with an offer of admission to their graduate program for Chemistry! She has been admitted into every grad school she applied to and heard back from, so far.... !!

i'd also like to congratulate the weather, for the wonderful change it is undertaking-- to the season of Spring. The sun is warming us all up, causing the birds to sing, and pink flowers outside our apartment window to explode into blossom. Sometimes when i'm walking outside to take out the trash, i catch the scent of those flowers and it just makes me so glad to be standing in that very spot, in that very moment... :)

Bathroom humor

2006-02-05T22:17:00.000-08:00

This was a good/stretching/sinful/enlightening/blessed weekend. i wish i could write about all that happened in it, but not here.

In Sunday School this morning, during snack, one of the kids told me he could make lemonade. "Oh wow," i said encouragingly, "Did you pick the lemons yourself, too?"

"Noooo" Nick replied, "I pee-peed"

Then he added, "I can make chocolate too!"

i love our little children. This morning the lesson was on "Jesus is the Good Shepherd." i almost started crying as i spoke about all the things a shepherd does to take care of his sheep: speaks to them, leads them out, comes in through the gate, protects them from wolves, lays down his life. The very message i was teaching, came alive for me as i spoke it and ministered to my own heart.

It's truly a great passage, I recommend taking a look some time. John 10

Just got back from celebrating Laura's birthday! A small group of us gathered at Tony Roma's. Friends from high school and also friends from church. Really great conversations, including a controversial question posed by Andrew "If you were going to marry the perfect guy, would you let him have a Star Wars wedding, if he wanted it?"

It was interesting because the girls's reactions were mixed, but all the guys agreed "Yes, we'd definitely dress up like frogs and hop down the aisle if she wanted it at the wedding." Is it because guys don't care so much about the way the ceremony is performed?

Chris, the guy sitting next to me didn't talk much all night long. Then, i told him my dad was Muslim and suddenly he opened up about his own faith. I stop in amazement at the opportunities to share about the Gospel with people that God plops into my lap, sometimes. I really felt incapable of articulating everything i wanted to say...

i approached the conversation with a new perspective. i decided that i would not try to argue a point, or make a case, so much as just spell out the Gospel in plain terms. Let the Gospel stand for itself. "The human condition is devastated by sin. Jesus sacrificed himself and died to conquer sin, and give us eternal life." His response was silence. Truth proclaimed! How often does that happen?

There were several things that happened tonight that i want to remember and put into action again. Chris and i were not really arguing. i always thought of presenting the Gospel with someone who has intellectual arugments against it, as trying to answer questions with convincing evidence, or presenting a new idea that puts all doubt aside. Tonight, i put the truth out there and left it alone. This requires humility (allegiance to ideas that can be attacked and ridiculed) But it also flooded our conversation with freedom! i was free to love, to learn from him, to ask honest questions.

It really felt as carefree as telling someone about some good news that i had heard. Not taking a stance, defending a cause, proving a point. That's what it is, good news!

Hahahahaha

2006-01-24T15:08:00.000-08:00

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

Recently Allister noted my sense of humor can be dark sometimes. It's true. I wonder why. Ha I've considered myself to be generally a pessimistic person, maybe this downhearted attitude spills over into my humor. Wow that makes me really pessimistic, like someone who looks at a glass and sees it half empty and filled with poison. Ha The credit for that statement goes to Karen i think? On Becky's blog.

i've been thinking about stars lately. Winter is depressing, but its constellations are lovely! (And the starlight shines more sharply, it seems.) We are studying Psalm 8 in the PBC intern class, where David asks "What is man that you take thought of him?" That question of human significance seems a paradox. There is an absolute disjunction between our Father's love and our deserving.... Yet we must say we are significant because God gets the glory.

"Old Boughton is so eager to see [his son]. Perhaps anxious as well as eager. He has some fine children yet, it always seemed this was the one on whom he truly set his heart. The lost sheep, the lost coin. The prodigal son, not to put too fine a point on it. I have said at least once a week my whole adult life that there is an absolute disjunction between our Father's love and our deserving. Still, when I see this same disjunction between human parents and children, it always irritates me a little. (I know you will be and I hope you are an excellent man, and I will love you absolutely if you are not.)"

-- from Marilynne Robinson's Gilead

More Than You'll Ever Know

2006-01-22T00:19:00.000-08:00

As much as I get nostalgic about school, and university life, I am really grateful to have that part of my life over with.

There was one quarter last year where I was struggling very much and a dear friend came to visit me, but I didn't want to be honest about my struggles and not having things together. But she stayed with me, she did not turn away from my ugly faults, but showed love instead.

She left my dorm room to let me get back to studying for exams and a few hours later I got this email from her with a bunch of pictures of flowers she had taken on the drive home, along with these song lyrics....

I want to dedicate them to her tonight. :)
With all my heart.

'Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
'Cause you've spoken the Truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah

You had faith, when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be...

You have carried me
You have taken upon a bruden that wasn't your own
And may the blessing return to you
A hundredfold, oh yeah...
A hundredfold, oh yeah...

Wales, Pakistan and Pluto

2006-01-19T21:34:00.000-08:00

The next country I want to see is Wales. My friend Beth, who is studying abroad at Oxford, sent back an email with this picture of the Welsh Coastline. I can't believe this is a real photograph, or that this is a real beach.

The interview with Rob who built houses in Pakistan was this morning. What started out as a 15 minute interview turned into an hour long conversation, and I took almost 5 pages of notes on what he said. I don't know how I'll capture it all in the article, there is so much!

Charina, Laura, Grace Barbara and I went to Pluto's for dinner, which was a lot of fun. The first probe to the planet Pluto was launched today, too Haha

After dance class at 8 i stayed around for the waltzing class which happens the hour after my class. I think the Waltz is my favorite dance to watch. Couples float along! And the music is always so lovely. :)

Non-boring (Hopefully!)

2006-01-18T17:05:00.000-08:00

It's hard to say everything I want to say...
If I put it in words, will I diminish the gift?

I hate the world today, but I love this life that you have given, (God).
would be one way of putting it.

Alanis Morisette was singing on the radio last night, and I felt the lyrics fit quite right--

I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

Lately life has been like eating vegetables. Healthy yet unpleasant. I am grateful for the good happening all around, the profound changes taking place in me, the breathtaking beauty of heavenly plans--- only, the whole process can be quite painful. I want to shout WAHOO!!! and sob uncontrollably, all at the same time.

Charina says my new blog is boring sometimes. Since she is such a seasoned reader, who spends LOTS of time checking out blogs, she's probably right... SO let's see, interesting stuff of late:

-I found a 20 dollar bill on the ground last night, in the rain. Mom said on the phone tonight: "God provides in mysterious ways." That's why I usually don't sweat it when I lose money. It's really not so random who ends up with it.

-For my research, I code surveys of parents who have 8-year old children. One of the questions asks "Is there anything you worry will take your child in a negative direction?" And one parent's response really made me wonder. She said her son tell her that he is really a woman inside. This is the first time I've heard a claim like this and actually believed it.

-You know that phrase "We don't know how to pray, but the Spirit intercedes for us"? The reality of that verse hit me last night at prayer meeting. It was the first prayer meeting we've had in 7 weeks, and when I started strumming the guitar and opened our time together, no words came, and for a second I imagined we would all have to stop and go home because I didn't know what to do. The truth is, I really don't know how to pray. It's a gift. In that second of panic I asked for some help, and His presence came and changed everything; good reminder.

No Woman, No Cry

2006-01-16T19:26:00.000-08:00

Some days I feel like a home-maker, and honestly, I find "staying at home" disatisfying. Today I cooked and cleaned. I reorganized the books on my shelf; the entire top row is filled with books of poetry. I made bean-tofu vegetarian stew, which tasted much better than it sounds. The freezer contains no microwavable meals, I'm proud to say!

So now I can cross one more vocation off my list of possible careers. Choosing a career is more of a process of elimination, I find. As I grow up, it seems the only thing that get clearer is what I don't want to do. Ha

Beck had a cool quote on her blog i'll put here, just because I don't wanna forget it. The road to happiness lies in two simple principles; find what interests you and that you can do well, and put your whole soul into it - every bit of energy and ambition and natural ability you have.- John D. Rockefeller

Wednesday I will interview a missionary from Pakistan and write an article about him for our church missions newsletter-- that's a start.

Oh ya, and the picture of the day... This is a picture of the life-sized ship we made out of snow at ski camp; our snowman was a pirate, with a patch over one eye and a 3-cornered hat. Someone set up a speaker against one of the windows so we could listen to music while we played in the snow. Bob Marley's No Woman, No Cry blasted from the window. Snow and Bob Marley. Surreal mix.

Baby Levi is the one seated at the prow of the ship. He could have been our mascot, he was the cutest baby ever. He smiled ALWAYS.

2006-01-14T16:16:00.000-08:00

Last night Megan's dad treated us to a delicious Indian meal! Allister, Megan and I met Mr. Coughran at Juphta, where we took the only open table for four.

Our waitor transported my imagination to another land. He spoke with no timbre in his voice, as if he were yelling at us. At first I thought he was angry with us--

"Can we get a side order of nan please?"

"THE NAN COMES WITH THE MEAL."

"Ok, great, thanks."

"WHAT KIND OF CHICKEN DO YOU WANT TANDOORI OR MASALA?"

"Tandoori please"

He looked down at Megan's empty mug.
"MORE CHAI?"

I pictured him with a white turban wrapped around his head, and an elephant loafing amidst a jungle behind in him. I pulled myself out of my reverie, back to the dinner table conversation, re: the poor disinction between cannibalism and carnivorous culture; reasons not to wear a toga without any clothes underneath and the images that come to mind; and Google. After dinner we headed back to Allister's place to hang out and watch a movie. I had so much fun.

I'm glad to be home. :)

I live near train tracks!

2006-01-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

It's hard to answer the question "How was your trip to Europe?"

Some adjectives that come to mind: amazing, magical, englightening, wonderful. Cold. And actually after all those words, I would need to add like 4 exclamation points!

Zach and I spent many hours on trains. This is a (the only) picture of us waiting for the metro in a station in Paris. Here at home, there are train tracks across the street from our apartment; the loud rumble of the trains used to bother me, now I listen fondly to the sound of it passing.

When Zach and I first arrived in Zurich, disoriented and tired, i called Rahel right away. It was so great to hear her voice! "Great, now where should we find you?"

"Take the train," she said, "And go to the main meeting place."

"The main meeting place?" I panicked slightly, "Isn't there a name?" But that's all the information we had. Zach and i laughed at the vagueness of the destination. It felt like we had to get to a nameless place. We stopped worrying about the exact destination, and boarded the train trusting it would take us to the right place... and Rahel was right, all we had to do was get on. Trains are just that common and reliable. :)

I love the landscape portraits framed by train windows, that quickly pass by as we slither through countrysides. A new masterpiece every few seconds. I love that each journey seats you beside a stranger you would not have met otherwise, for the opportunity to have deeper than passing conversations you would not have had at any other moment in your life. I could go on an on... haha I'm so weird.

The ride from Zurich to Paris, France took 8 hours. We took an overnight train, without a couchette. I don't recommend it. We couldn't sleep, it was hard. So i wrote a poem in my spare time.

2AM Poem

Train ride
to Paris,
these positions
in my seat, shifting
shapes of my body
will never form in
connection to this same
context that meets
my gaze out
the window
joke about
main meeting place
now passing
a yellow-roofed
brick building
passing a hill pimpled
by trees with
their branches up in arms.
My ticket stub drops
to the aisle between us.
i pick it up as the
long row of trees is replaced
by a gray
compound with rows of windows.
We have no abiding city here.

Beaches vs. Mountains

2006-01-12T12:10:00.000-08:00

I miss the mountains. This is a picture of Pizol Valley, the view from the cabin at Ski Camp. At night I dreamt of the beach, sunlight melting my frozen fingers and cheeks, gritty sand between my toes. But now that I'm back, the California skyline looks so empty.

Yesterday I baked brownies for Rose's birthday dinner, which we had last night. I love baking brownies because 1. it's really easy-- basically mix and pour 2. i get to eat brownie batter. After baking, I made myself a cup of boiling hot tea and that got me thinking..... i wonder if the brownie batter i ate got slightly baked inside of my stomach after i drank all of that boiling hot water?
My mom always complained that eating uncooked batter was unhealthy, but i think drinking hot beverages after snacking provides an easy solution.

i did feel rather full after drinking the tea...

Written January 10th

2006-01-12T11:27:00.000-08:00

(Some thoughts from a few days ago....)

We've returned from Europe!

I am at my parents' house, in my mom’s room typing from her bed.

Dad wanted to talk about Israel tonight. It started at dinner, when I mentioned I wanted to see Munich.

I was trying to teach everyone a card game I learned in Switzerland, Ligretto. As I passed out the cards Dad said, “Haji let me ask you a question, why do Christians support making war in order for Israel to become a nation?”

I tried to explain I thought God's purpose for Israel (and later the church) was mainly a spiritual one. The nation was to be a witness to the world, of God's salvation.

Then I turned to the cards and explained the basic idea of the card game. But Dad tried again, more forcefully: "Why do you as a Christian, and this is hypothetically speaking, because you’re not a Christian….”

Apart from completely disagreeing with most of what Dad said, his comments bring questions to mind; what do I think about the Israeli-Palestinean conflict? What does the Bible say concerning the conflict? Tonight I basically took the position that the spiritual kingdom of God is concerned only with the eternal, but I’m not so sure this is right—then where is our place as Christians in politics, if not to stand for righteousness and justice? I mean you could turn Israel into a spiritual type that is transformed in the New Testament to the Church. But there must also be a literal interpretation also, what does God say about this?

I think this separation of church and ____ fill in the blank is actually one of life’s biggest questions. It’s where rubber meets the road, application of God’s guidelines for our faith to the reality of world; and I think it’s here that he allows us to have a bit of free will, to use our gifts and intelligence to walk by His Spirit in our world. God delights in this expression of our humanity. Because of Christ we have license to live as fully human before God.

There’s not a set black and white formula for behavior when it comes to church and state, faith and science, politics and religion. These spheres are not separate, I believe they must be integrated if we are to have any impact on the world. But the big question is how? And in particular, what do I think about what’s going on with Israel and Palestine right now?

reasons why

2006-01-12T11:16:00.000-08:00

I'm really excited to be writing again.

This is my first time using Blogger, but like my fourth online journal.

I want write honestly; I want to effect something with my writing. I'll try to make a point, draw a moral, disperse knowledge whenever possible.

i am writing with a capital I this time, too.

Life now heads for Unknown, this is a new for me. Usually an academic institution has defined the parameters.

Ok now the introduction is over, the next entries can be more interesting, i hope!